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Personal responsibility

By Mick Conway
Addictions

  We all fall into destructive behaviors occasionally, usually because of poor decisions.  Driving too fast, overspending, drinking too much alcohol, getting into inappropriate relationships - the list is long and arduous.
 
    One of  the truly destructive patterns we see in Chemical Dependency Treatment is blaming others for whatever causes problems.  It's called shifting the blame so that someone else can assume the responsibility for personal failures.
 
    "My parents didn't nurture me enough when I was  a child.  No one hugged me or told me they loved me.  It's their fault that I have trouble with alcohol, not mine."  This from a 42 year old person.
 
    If someone felt unloved as a child, that is a sad circumstance.  But it does not cause alcoholism.  Blaming one's parents for their adult child's alcoholism is nothing but a dodge.  It's a way to make it about them when it's really about the person who is alcoholic.
 
    Patients in treatment for alcoholism or drug dependency can be very creative in avoiding the truth.  It's so much easier to put the focus on someone else than it is to look squarely and honestly at what their own behavior has cost them.
 
    One of the benefits of group therapy is that those patients who are well into their recovery can spot a whiner a mile away - and confront them with it.  Most of them have "been there done that" when it comes to blaming others.  They understand that until one begins to own their own shortcomings, no progress can be made on a personal level to come to grips with their disease.  I've heard group members respond to the nonsense of whining in this way:  "Get off the pity-pot and take responsibility for yourself."  This may sound a bit harsh but the message leaves no doubt in its claritiy.
 
    One of the principal concepts of recovery is that every person must accept responsibility for his or her own comeback from the disease of alcoholism.  No one else can do it for them.
 
    Another truism is that belief in recovery is necessary for it to happen.  If family, therapists or other group members keep parroting that chemical dependency is a treatable disease, the words may or may not get through to the alcoholic.  But when that patient begins to believe that recovery is possible and that happiness can be restored, then the miracle of sobriety occurs.
 
    Many people in treatment don't discover that they do have a chance for recovery until well into their treatment.  The early phase of treatment is overwhelmingly about denial.  Most patients are trapped into the cycle of depression, fear and despair.  With the help of the therapists and the Treatment community, those feelings are dealt with and the patient can move on.
 
    As treatment progresses, the realization that blaming others is a total waste of time.  No one else causes alcoholism.  This is a disease in and of itself, that is, it is not caused by anything or anyone else.  It is a progressive disease, as evidenced by the treatment population who have experienced that phenomenon.  And it is a fatal disease unless it is interrupted.  Alcoholism moves relentlessly forward until death is the final consequence.
 
    Therapists see the pain of their patients and do all they can to help them deal with that pain.  People fall apart.  Our role as therapists is to help them fall together.
 
    Recovery from any disease is hard work.  It takes dedication to the cause, belief that it can happen and courage to make it happen.  As a therapist, I always remind my patients that they are not alone in this effort, even though it often feels like it.  I have a small prayer card that I've had since childhood that I share with them on occasion.  It is by St. Francis de Sales.
 
    "Have no fear for what tomorrow may bring.  The same loving God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.  God will either shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."