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Manipulation doesn't work

By Mick Conway
Addictions
 
      If there is one characteristic of alcoholism which stands out head and shoulders above the rest, it would have to be manipulation.  Alcoholics are notoriously adept at manipulating their family, friends, co-workers and others who exist within shouting distance of the alcoholic.  It becomes an art form, a personalized strategy to keep the focus where the alcoholic wants it - on somebody else.
 
    When a husband is alcoholic, his wife usually gets the full-brunt of his manipulation.  If she complains about his abusiveness when he is drunk, the response is likely to be something like this:  "If you tell anyone that I hit you, I'll really give it to you next time!"  In other words, he is manipulating his wife through treats and intimidation.
 
    Or, if the wife is alcoholic, she might assume the "poor me" role.  Crying or feeling badly over some inappropriate behavior caused by drunkenness is apt to soften the heart of her spouse.  Promises such as, "it will never happen again" are ways to manipulate others into believing that drunken episodes are over and the problem is taken care of.  Manipulation continues to work even after repeated failures because the spouse wants to believe there will be no more bad times ahead.
 
    Children are often manipulated by their alcoholic parents because they must submit to parental decisions or directives.  Statements such as, "We don't want others to know there is a problem in our home", puts the responsibility of protecting the family secret directly on the children.  This kind of manipulation is extremely harmful to the emotional health of the children for they must shoulder the family's dysfunction entirely alone.
 
    The reverse situation is also sadly true.  If a child is chemically dependent, parents can be mistakenly bent on covering up for him or her at all costs.  The child, often without saying a word, manipulates the parents through feelings of shame, guilt or responsibility.  This is another way to perpetuate family secrets, thereby allowing the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction to thrive in a protected atmosphere.
 
    Friends are frequently drawn into a cover-up scheme by manipulations.  "Now don't tell my wife I stopped at the bar on my way home from work tonight.  She will probably get mad and throw me out of the house.  You wouldn't want me to get into trouble, would you?"
 
    Of course not.  Friends don't cause other friends trouble, right?  Wrong. When trouble is alcoholism, a true friend doesn't allow manipulation to get in the way of common sense.
 
    Alcoholism in the workplace often flourishes because of manipulation.  "Help me with this report, will you?  I have to get this in to the boss by noon and I can't seem to get it done.  I've got a bad headache and can't think straight.  If you will do this for me, I'll get you two tickets to the ball game this weekend."
 
    Or, "If you don't say anything to my supervisor about the drunk-driving arrest I had last Saturday night, I'll forget about the money you owe me."  That sounds like a pretty good incentive to keep your mouth shut but it's actually just another form of manipulation.
 
    No one is immune from the manipulations of alcoholics.  Even Doctors and other medical personnel get drawn into the scheme of things when health problems caused by alcoholism bring the disease to their attention.
 
    "I won't ever have another drink if you say I shouldn't, Doc.  You have my word on it.  I can stop drinking any time I want to.  There's no need for me to go to Treatment because as of this moment, I have decided to quit."  Yeah, right.  If you believe that, Doc, you will believe anything.
 
    It isn't unusual for people locked into the disease of alcoholism to attempt to manipulate God.  "Please, Lord, if you'll get my wife to come back to me, I promise I'll never do another bad thing the rest of my life."  We can't cut deals with God, alcoholic or not, for His compassionate mercy isn't based on our ability to manipulate.
 
    Manipulation by alcoholics is a way to avoid the consequences caused by their disease.  It's an effort to stay out of harm's way, to maintain the status quo. And it's a deadly effort.