THE GLOBE
PO BOX 5079 (51102)
1825 JACKSON ST.
SIOUX CITY, IA (51105)
712.255.2550
800.352.9035
WWW.CATHOLICGLOBE.ORG

By Jerry Eaton, LMSW
Executive Director
Catholic Charities

Quite a few years ago I had the opportunity to work with a man in his early 40s by the name of Rod. Rod had been raised with an attitude and perspective so that he believed at a certain point everyone had a right to blow up and “really lay into the idiot who caused them to get angry.” In fact for Rod if what they had done was bad enough it was okay to hit them hard enough so that they would remember not to mess with him. It had always worked pretty well for him as a kid on the playground and in sports to motivate him to play harder, to compete and to win. Rod actually had very few fights and he certainly didn’t see himself as a bully. He simply believed he was a normal kid who knew at some point he had to be prepared to fight if he had to.

Rod’s problem came with women. Rod was raised with an attitude that you couldn’t hit women. He told me that with women his ultimate weapon the fear of violence was gone. He laughed and said to me “is there anything more confusing, more frustrating, more angering than going from boyhood and the playground and competitive sports to understanding and relating women?”

He had done very well when he was dating because he always had enough space and time to himself so that the possibility of violence never really became a problem. Then when he got married he and his wife would argue. Rod said he learned to walk away or just shut down rather than blow up and hit her. He said to me that he’s sometimes slammed a door or throw something and it did hit a wall once and put a hole in it. He said his wife would back off for a while but it would always start up again.

Rod said at the same time it got so frustrating hearing the constant complaints and the nitpicking. He said no matter what I did, she was never satisfied and seemed to be looking for anything and everything to start a fight with me. “I only hit her once.”

There were tears in his eyes as he shook his head and looked at me and said “I only hit her once, but the hurt never went away for her or for me. There is nothing I have ever done I am more ashamed of; me, a grown man with three kids, my own successful business, a respected member of my church, hitting my wife. How low can you get.”

We talked about what he did and how wrong it was. He said for a long time he blamed her as if he wasn’t able to control himself. He said “she made me so damn mad. For a while I told myself if she just knew when to shut up, none of it would have happened. I was a jerk and I lost her and my kids. I think she still loves me. She just never imagined I could ever hit her. Neither did I. Now no matter what I say of how I act, she says she’s still afraid. She just can’t trust me. How can I blame her? I never thought I’d hit her either, but I did.”

Rod is getting the help now, too late to save his marriage. Rod is learning what it is to truly be a man. He knows how unmanly violence, threats and intimidation are. How manly is it to hit a woman who doesn’t stand a chance in a physical confrontation with you? How manly is it to slam doors, throw things and punch holes in the wall?

Now Rod is saying “I don’t want my kids to be like me so even if I can’t get my wife back, I want to make sure I get the help I need so that I can act like a man. I need to show my kids what I did was wrong and I need to act now in a way they can respect, accepting the responsibility for what I’ve done. I don’t want my boys to ever hit their wives or their kids. I don’t want my daughter to marry someone who acts like I did. Being a man is about honor and respect, not power through the use or the threat of the use of violence.”

Rod wanted me to tell his story and what he’d learned in treatment so that others might get help before they hurt the person they love the most. Rod would hate to see anyone put their family through what he put his family through.

Rod was successful in many ways; in his business, socially, in his church and in his community. Rod didn’t lose very often. When he did lose what he lost was his wife and a home with his wife and his children.