THE GLOBE
PO BOX 5079 (51102)
1825 JACKSON ST.
SIOUX CITY, IA (51105)
712.255.2550
800.352.9035
WWW.CATHOLICGLOBE.ORG

Bullying and abuse

By Jerry Eaton, LMSW
Executive Director
Catholic Charities

Catholic Charities recently joined with other agencies within the Sioux City community concerning the issues of preventing violence and bullying. What is a bully? We heard the term often as children and throughout our school years and usually we define a bully as someone who takes advantage of someone else against that person’s will.

Some bullies are mean, selfish people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want. And, they seem to enjoy dominating other people and having others afraid of them. Other bullies use their social position to make fun and put down “lesser” students. They make jokes at the expense of the “lesser” student, they tease the “lesser” student and they usually have an audience of other students that they need to show off in front of.

When a bully becomes an adult there are some that really don’t mature or change that much. They still can be a bully in their work place and in their home, and they still can do whatever is necessary to get their way and they still can enjoy dominating others. Because men are usually stronger than women, it is easy for men to fall in the trap of being a bully with their wives or girlfriends. Some even bully their children.

There is a certain type of bully that isn’t called just a bully as adults; we rightfully call them abusers; which is what we could have called some of them even as children. We often pretend children who are bullies can be ignored; or stood up to successfully by the children being bullied and we as adults don't intervene as often as we should. Frequently, we counsel the one being bullied without holding the abusive child as responsible as we should. Our typical view of a bully isn’t the same as that of an adult abuser.

It is almost as if a punch in the nose hurts less as a child than it does when you’re an adult. As if stealing your money as a child isn’t as important as stealing your money as an adult is. As if threatening you, and pushing you around and making fun of you in front of your friends isn’t as important as a child as it would be as an adult.

As the child the bully is certainly in the process of developing their humanity in a direction that can lead to becoming an adult abuser. There are, of course, other ways people develop into adult abusers as well; but bullying other people isn’t the path to honorable mature adulthood.

I’ve noticed after working with adult abusers for some time that there are some who seem to be looking for the slightest reason to dominate and control others. “I wouldn’t have had to hit you if you hadn’t put the fork where the spoon belonged. It is your own fault that you have to be punished severely; if you would just do as you are told then I wouldn’t have to hit you so hard.” I’ve also worked with many parents who lose their tempers and they do things they aren’t proud of, and sometimes they know they have crossed the line between discipline and abuse.

It is only when we admit there is no excuse good enough to physically abuse those we love that we are willing to look at every example from a child being bullied by another child to the physical abuse a parent does to a child, to the abuse a spouse does to their spouse, as wrong and doing more harm than good. Then we begin to seek other methods of discipline, other methods of getting what we want in our relationships, and other methods of defending ourselves when we fear we are losing an argument.

As a therapist it is frustrating to always deal with abuse after the fact. And, as I look at the lives of children I realize we often don’t take the abuse that is happening to them from each other as seriously as we should. Bullies do impact the lives of others negatively. Sometimes a child can’t ignore or stand up to a bully successfully. They need help.

When the adults in the lives of children don’t see a bully as an abuser and hold them appropriately accountable as an abuser it also enhances the possibility of that bully continuing the behavior even as an adult. The expectations are on the children to control bullies, not on the adults. Often this is the case even when adults are supervising the children and see it happening.

It isn’t out of neglect that adults ignore the behavior; instead it is out of a false belief system that treats the problems of children as minor compared to adult problems.
When we start to acknowledge that children are as important as adults are and intervene just as we would with adults, we may be able to change the future for many people in a very productive manner – as children and as adults.

I have a friend who says being a bully or an abuser means you don’t love God. My friend takes bullies seriously, as seriously as adult abusers. She says we can’t pretend to be people of faith and be abusive at the same time.

We aren’t just working with the other agencies to prevent violence and bullying. We are also working together with an understanding that as parents we often need other options for creating the right atmosphere for our children to grow into honorable adults. Catholic Charities will be offering parenting skills classes entitled “Love and Logic” that give parents other options. We can never really take away options but we can add to them so the ones they aren’t proud of using are the least likely to be used.