THE GLOBE
PO BOX 5079 (51102)
1825 JACKSON ST.
SIOUX CITY, IA (51105)
712.255.2550
800.352.9035
WWW.CATHOLICGLOBE.ORG

Marital counseling is difficult but rewarding

By Jerry Eaton, LMSW
Executive Director
Catholic Charities

The Christmas collection this year for Catholic Charities is very important so that we can meet the increased needs that come about as families face troubled times financially. I’ve experienced it myself and I have seen it in our work at Catholic Charities; financial problems add stress to relationships within families. The importance of the work we do as we offer families professional help in counseling/therapy as they face the added stress that can sometimes tear a relationship apart.

Nobody can save this relationship… “We’ve grown apart. We’re still married, more from habit than desire. We don’t agree on anything anymore. We fight at the drop of a hat. I think we love each other more like a brother and sister than like a husband and wife. We may love each other, but I’m not sure we like each other.”

When a couple comes in for marital counseling they usually start with complaints and a desire to fix the other person. Often they present a pretty bleak picture of their relationship just as I’ve described above. Frequently there is some sort of incident (financial problems, an affair, a major fight) that brings the couple to counseling almost as a last ditch effort to see if the relationship can be saved.

Each situation and marriage is as unique as the people involved are, but still there are some general realities we all face in marriage. One of the interesting things that happen in very close relationships is that when the people involved in the relationship disagree over something that is significant to each of them, they throw out the window the very thing they need the most to solve the problem – love, honor, and respect for one another.

Instead they use their communication skills, and frequently use them well, to prove their partner wrong. Instead they use their critical thinking skills very well to seek and expose the flaws in their partner’s arguments. Instead they listen for ways to overwhelm their “opponent.” Their partner becomes their opponent and their goal is to defeat their enemy. Much like two very good lawyers battling in a courtroom, but with much more animosity. And this doesn’t just happen once in awhile, it gets to the point it happens often. Why?

When we argue with our spouse, we are arguing with the most important person in our life. Their opinion is perhaps the most important opinion in our lives. If they disagree significantly with us we can, and frequently do, become very defensive. If they disagree it shakes us in the way no one else can. We can, and frequently do, think we have to defend ourselves to retain their respect. We don’t want them to think we aren’t capable, or intelligent. We need their support not their disagreement!

We tend to forget when our spouse is disagreeing with us they are disagreeing with the most important person in their life as well. If they are doing this they must have a good reason, but often before we can get to that good reason we have to repair the relationship. How?

The mind can only focus on one thing at a time. If the mind is focused on how bad or wrong our spouse is, that is what we are looking for over and over in each situation. Instead of focusing on just what is wrong I ask people to describe how they met, how they fell in love, and what made them pick their partner out of all the people they knew as the one they would marry.

I help them list as many reasons as possible. “She was the first person who ever believed in me.” “He was the first person who really listened to me and respected me.” “We wanted the same things and believed in the same things.” “We were both hard workers.” “He was very handsome, my heart would flutter when he walked into the room.” “It was like she was the only person there, even in a crowded room.” Some laughter, some tears as this is said and frequently a shy shared smile between two people as they think positively about the most important person in their life.

The road ahead in counseling is still very difficult, but we have touched, felt and seen the love that is the basis of their relationship. The love that is the first thing they have been throwing out the window as they have been trying to prove each other wrong. When spouses feel loved and honored they tend to use their skills with each other to solve a common problem instead of against each other.

Many people can understand this well but they are still stuck because they want their spouses to read this and change the way they act toward them. Life doesn’t work well that way. The truth is if they haven’t been using love and honor for their spouse in their disagreements they have a problem they need to work on as well.

There are some relationships that need to end because of abuse, and other significant reasons, but far too many relationships end because of an unwillingness to accept personal responsibility to act and live in an honorable and loving fashion. An unwillingness to accept the hard work and responsibility to become a truly mature adult man or woman. We expect our spouses to do this work, but our expectations on ourselves are often much lower.

Life is hard but if we accept the task of the hard work of life, particularly in our relationships, the rewards far exceed having to accept a lonely relationship that has lost the ability to seek and find the ever present uniqueness and depth of quality in those we love. And even within ourselves as we ask ourselves to bring out the best within us.